Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward