Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
The three genders
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
