Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.![]()
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There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.