Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
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But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”