The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
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ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Labreador
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer