bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
You Might Also Like
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS