Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

My sex drive has a dui

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

every man in east london

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

my nickname in college

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”