[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
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DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
Life with a cat in one tweet
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”