[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
The government even made aliens boring
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
This is a true ally.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!