Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.