Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

ㅤ

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

6: are snakes just neck?

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Waiting for the Charmin

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…