Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.