Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.