Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
You Might Also Like
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats