Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
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Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Is your wife single?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”