Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

airing out the snack pack