best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
You Might Also Like
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Only Americans understand
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.