best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
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[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
