best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
2023 was just a warmup
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
we’re dead?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.