Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

What the dentist sees

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.