Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

felt that

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is