Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
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Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
They did not miss in the small print
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.