Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
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the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.