Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
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The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Had an epiphany today.
