Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
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My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough