Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

This checks out

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are