Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
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Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
going to bed
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.