Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

being a writer on Twitter:

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.