Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
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I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.