Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”