Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.