@driverminnie

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

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@CatherineLMK

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@stevevsninjas

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

@superdadatron

My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…

@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

@faizziy

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

@TheDairylandDon

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

@Yes_ImAmy

Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.

@jnrbtsn

The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.

@HiddleDeeDee

People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.