Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
wut hotdog?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack