Best correction of the day, if not ever:
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.