Best correction of the day, if not ever:
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Stop.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Not helping
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
#parenting
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.