Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

these can’t be my only options

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

✌️

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.