Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.