best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
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[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Banana is the quietest snack
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
From my Mom
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Incredible customer service.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
