best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
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me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes