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Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone