best first i’ve ever seen
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At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.