Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what