BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it