Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what