Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!