Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

*bites zombie*

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.