best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
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Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???