Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
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Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
