Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
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My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Worst perfume name ever.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
We like the way Dwight thinks
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?