Best goalkeeper.. 😅
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.