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At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Not my job 😂
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school