Best goalkeeper.. 😅
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i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently