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“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.