Best goalkeeper.. 😅
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Just how popey was the pope today?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.