Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.