Best Halloween decoration so far. š
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Ā°pulls up to drive-thruĀ°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] arenāt you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Iām fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
ME Whatās a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I donāt know what that means
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
If Iām flirting, youāll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: thatās a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* thatās a grave milkshake
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
so many bosses have told me some variant on āit seems as if youāre only here for the paycheckā and like. yeah
āSo Dave diedā
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
āBoth. it was a suicide pactā
*dave walks in* hey guys
I love Instagramās new direct messaging feature because Iāve always thought, āIf only this picture of someoneās dinner was just for me.ā
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Doctor: āIām sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partnersāā
Lou Bega: āWay ahead of you.ā
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
āSTOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DOā, I yell to my 5 year old.
Iām more than willing to test out that whole āmoney canāt buy happinessā thing.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Canāt. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since Iām the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[eating cookie] letās get ready to crumblllllllle
Nostalgia isnāt as good as it used to be.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to āgod damn no one can see shit on your show itās too darkā comments
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*