Best Halloween decoration so far. đ
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I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I started the electric slide at the park today. You shouldâve seen those kids jump.
Cndnsd Mlk
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
the funniest thing iâve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dadâs cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said âoh shit is your ride hereâ and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My neighborâs kid said hi but I couldnât think of his name and said âHi son of Johnâ like some biblical dude
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.