Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.