Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
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“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
it is time once again
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.