Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
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If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
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Presione 2 para español
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.