Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.