Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.