Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
You Might Also Like
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
is this store having a stroke wtf
me hooking up with my ex
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not