Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks