Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]