Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

I’m having an out of money experience.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

I’d love this…lol

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

who will stop them

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am